She says there are several options:
    1) surgery to remove the tumor and bone
    2) surgery to remove the tumor only
    3) radiation and/or chemotherapy
    4) feeding tube with meds to keep him comfortable
    5) meds to keep him comfortable with a liquid diet
    6) meds to reduce the pain only
    7) let nature take its course


Surgery are not really options since the tumor is so large and has invaded the bone so extensively. About 2/3 of his bottom right jaw would need to be removed. The tumor has also begun to invade the joint in the back of the jaw, which cannot be removed. Cats in general do not do well with the removal of their jaw. Radiation can only give me a diagnosis of up to 4 months due to the location and advancement of his tumor. I don't feel putting him through this is worth the discomfort it would cause him for the time it would offer him. I want his quality to be good and want to minimize his pain. The feeding tube is going to require a major, invasive surgery and I do not want to put him through that at this point, especially since it won't necessarily extend his time. I choose to put him on meds to keep him as comfortable as possible and to feed him a liquid diet. I can't sit and do nothing, but I don't want to extend his life beyond what is fair to him. I will keep close watch on his behavior.

My parents have taken my dog Missi so I can spend some quality time with Kitty since I don't know how long I have. This allows Kitty to sleep with me like he did for the first six years we were together.

Saturday, January 18, 2003

Kitty's new medication had not arrived at 2:00 p.m. and he seemed to be in quite a bit of pain and was drooling a bit. I decided to dissolve his Prednisone (10mg) in a little water and give it to him to try to relieve his pain and maybe get him to eat a little. That evening I could only get Kitty to eat 5cc of food today from a syringe. He wouldn't let me squirt the syringe into his mouth, so he licked it off the end of the syringe. He wouldn't eat any more than that. He finally came downstairs about 7:00 when he smelled my dinner and begged to share. He ate a couple of slivers of my chicken breast and then licked all the butter and sour cream from my potato. I know that may not be the best thing for him to eat, but at this point I'm just glad he ate something. I will be starting him on his new meds in the morning since they finally arrived and I need to let his Prednisone work out of his system. He seems quite lethargic today and I am becoming very scared. He did sleep with me, however.

Sunday, January 19, 2003

I gave Kitty his new meds first thing this morning and he seems to be in better spirits today. He ate a little tuna I had put out for him. I have two different kinds of canned cat food that I have put through the blender and a little tuna all over the house so he can eat whatever he wants. I broke up a few Tender Vittles for him as well. He came out a few times today to see me, which he didn't do yesterday. He begged for food again when I had dinner, but was unable to chew. I decided I would try to syringe feed him a little food since I am very worried since he hasn't eaten anything substantial in several days. He resists a little with the first amount I try to give him, but doesn't fight me too hard. I get a full 12cc in him. I let him go and he doesn't run and hide. I prepare a 2nd syringe of 12cc's and feed that to him as well. He takes that nicely as well. I feel a little better now that I have been able to get him to eat a little, but he is still losing weight and is getting to be a bony. He cuddles up to me in bed and sleeps with me pretty much all night like he used to.

Monday, January 20, 2003

I gave Kitty his medicine and 2 - 12cc syringes of food this morning and 1 -12cc syringe of food this evening with virtually no argument from him. He also ate some of the food I had lying out for him during the night. He actually woke me up by sitting on the dresser next to my bed and yelled at me and then gently pawing at me, which he hasn't done in quite a while. He is acting very much like himself today. He even played with one of his catnip toys before coming to bed.

Tuesday, January 21, 2003

Kitty ate very well today. By the time the day was over, I was able to feed him 8 syringes full of food. He came out to see me more often than he has the past couple of weeks. He keeps trying to eat small pieces of solid food (nibbles of the chicken from my dinner, catnip pellets) but I think they get caught and cause him great pain since he makes strange noises and runs away very quickly any time he tries. I decided to give him a treat and put a can of tuna into the blender so I could give that to him and maybe help with his craving for items from my plate. He really seemed to enjoy the tuna.

Thursday January 23, 2003

Kitty did well today. He even came downstairs and was out until 8:20 p.m. We have usually been going upstairs around 6:00, so this is an improvement. My mother came over to look at him and she said he looked better than she expected. It is definitely not time yet.

Friday, January 24, 2003

Everyone came over for dinner tonight, so I had a full house (my brother, his fiancée, both my parents, and three dogs). I had expected Kitty would hide all evening, but was pleasantly surprised when he came out and wandered around like he used to do. I had an appointment so I was gone for a while, but my brother said Kitty stayed downstairs all evening. We finally went upstairs after 10:00.

Sunday, January 25, 2003

Today does not seem to be a good day for Kitty. He hasn't been out of his cage much at all. He has come downstairs a couple of times, but is only down for a minute or two before he goes back upstairs. When I went to feed him this evening, I noticed he is bleeding a little from the tumor side of his mouth and his right eye is watering a bit. He is drooling more than I have seen him do since I put him on his pain medication. I think he is beginning to deteriorate. He came to bed with me about 8:00 (I had been waiting for him since about 6:30) but he doesn't seem to be able to get as comfortable as he has been. He would lie down a while and then would sit up and act as if he were trying to cough up a fur ball, but there isn't anything there. He would then get down for a few minutes and walk around. He would come back after a few minutes and start the process all over again. I'll have to keep a close eye on him since I don't want him to suffer.

Monday, January 27, 2003

Kitty seemed to be doing a little better today. He took his medicine and breakfast without any problems. When I was home at noon for lunch, I took a damp cloth to wipe him off since he is unable to groom himself to the extent he used to and he has always been meticulous about his appearance. He seemed to know I was helping him look better and to enjoy it. I then brushed him a bit, which he usually hates. Instead, he kept putting his body into the brush and purred quite loudly. When I got home at noon he was not in his hiding place, and he came out quickly when I got home after work. He even allowed me to feed him in the kitchen, which is the first time. I did not notice any bleeding today, although his drool seems to be thicker than before. He also does not close his mouth completely and I can see the tip of his tongue when he looks at me. He slept all night with me.

Tuesday, January 28, 2003

Kitty slept very close to my side all night long. He didn't wake me up this morning, which is the first time in about a week. I found him still on my dresser next to my bed (the one dresser he is allowed to be on) when I came back after fixing him his breakfast. I fed him like usual, but he didn't swallow as quickly as he has been doing. He would actually let it sit in him mouth for a moment before swallowing and would only do so when his mouth got so full he didn't really have any other choice. The look in his eyes was different than it has been. The look is almost pleading. I called the vet to see if he could give me any indications of pain that Kitty would give me, but he said cats don't give any indication. He said Kitty is in pain, but that cats are tough creatures and won't show it. He said that I am getting close to having to make "the decision."

I went home at noon and found Kitty downstairs in one of his favorite spots behind a chair. He looked glad to see me and liked me petting him, but wouldn't come and sit with me when I ate lunch for more than a moment. I followed him upstairs after I finished my lunch and noticed he is bleeding again. I spent a little time petting him, but he didn't purr like he has been doing. His eyes are telling me something I don't want to listen to. I'm afraid today may be the day. Mom is coming over after work to help me make an assessment since she hasn't seen him since Friday.

When I got home from work I found him in my closet. I laid on the floor to pet him, talk to him, and cry a little. He purred and kept sniffing my tears. He used to lick them off my face, but I don't think he could anymore. Dad arrived a few minutes later and Kitty came out of the closet and did his usual walking around and wanting to be pet. Mom arrived a little later, took one look at him and confirmed it was time. He hadn't eaten anything on his own in two days. He has been crouching down, licking his mouth, and growling. I can tell he is in pain and I can't do anything to fix it. Mom said he has much more swollen and that she can see the same thing in his eyes that I have been seeing.

We put him in the car to go to the vet's office and he enjoyed looking out the window. He has always enjoyed riding in the car. We arrived at the vet's office and I felt like my heart was being ripped out. They ushered us into a room immediately since mom had called ahead to let them know we were coming. I stood in the room with Kitty in my arms until they took him to give him his sedative shot. During the time I was holding him, the vet said he was in great pain and that he would not get to the point that he would not act like himself (purring, talking, walking around, etc.) since cats handle pain very well. The vet scratched Kitty's back and he leaned into the scratch greatly enjoying it. The vet said this is the time to let him go. After Kitty's sedative shot, they brought him back to me and I sat on the table holding him in my lap. He went to sleep very quickly. I did take a look at his tumor and discovered it was about the size of a golf ball. I can't believe it was so big since this whole thing started two weeks ago. Mom, dad, and I cuddled and pet him. He knew we were there and would twitch his front paw now and then. He had not looked so relaxed and pain free in quite a while. A little later the vet returned and administered the last shot. Kitty went quickly and peacefully with his head in my hands. We sat for a long while with him before going home empty handed and hearted.

I am having him cremated and will be burying his ashes in mom and dad's yard where we first met and fell in love. I'm not sure how I'm going to adjust to not having him around. He has been a very large part of my life for 8-1/2 years. I miss him dreadfully.

February 28, 2003

It has been a little over four weeks since I lost Kitty. I think I am starting to come to the realization that he really is gone. The whole thing still doesn't feel real. It went so quickly that I didn't have a chance to adjust to the fact he was sick before I lost him. I have picked up his toys and put them into a basket in his bathroom. I still have yet to remove his litter box and clean the litter off the floor of his bathroom. I just can't bring myself to do that yet. I put away his food dish yesterday in one of those popcorn tins with a few of his other belongings (hairbrush, crinkle bag, cards of sympathy). I still expect to see him and haven't adjusted to him not being there. I have, however, gotten to the point that I don't shed tears for him everyday (I'm down to every 2-3 days) which is progress, I think. I always knew it would be hard to lose him, I just wasn't prepared for it to be as hard as it has been.

I purchased a kitty angel stuffed animal that I have placed on the dresser next to my bed. I have put Kitty's collar on this angel, and plan to make a satin heart stuffed with his fur that is still in the bottom of my closet and that I have collected from his hairbrush. I find peace in having the angel sitting next to my bed to keep watch over me.

July 22, 2003

It has now been six months since I lost my Pretty Boy. I still have a hard time believing he is gone. I buried his ashes in my parents front yard next to our beloved daschund on Memorial Day. Mom is going to make a stepping stone for us to place over his grave. I still miss him dreadfully, and would do anything to have him back, but I believe I did the right thing for him. Mom and I still talk about him all the time.

I spent a long time looking for a piece of jewelry that could represent him and that I could wear all the time. I finally found a ring that is a perfect tribute to him. It has a stone peridot in the ceter as a representation of the month he came into my life, a paw print on either side of the stone, and Pretty Boy on one side and Kitty on the other. I have not removed it since I got it. He is with me at all times in my heart, and now I have a symbol of that connection.